Jason Mai
4/22/14
It is 3:44AM as I start this blog post. Yesterday I had the most weird, calm, interesting day. I awoke at 10-11am. Did my regular morning routine, brush teeth, eat, workout. Then I went to get a haircut. It was a simple day. As soon as I get home from my haircut my friend texts me that she is in the area and she wanted to hang out. I've known this girl forever, actually I've written about her in one of these blog posts. Anyways we hang out, we go around town. She shows me some cool areas in the town I've never seen, we shared thoughts, laughter, conversation and food, but she had to go around 2-3pm. You see this girl is always busy, people always calling her, texting her. It seems like everyone wants to be with her, so I ask myself and her about this. Why is she hanging out with me? I'm not an interesting guy. I do martial arts, go to school, make films. I feel like I am a very simple human being and I'm not sure how to put my thoughts into words...but there are no perks of being my friend. And what I mean by this is, it may seem shallow but I've realized that being friends with someone isn't just being friends. People these days are friends with selected people to get them what they want, I don't want to explain this in detail but if you understand, then you understand how messed up those people can be. For example I have a friend who gets really good deals on Nike shoes because his aunt works for the company, but I'm not friends with him because of that, hell I've never used that part of our friendship to my advantage. I know people who don't even know him and will ask if they can get him to get shoes. This is just one example.
Anyways she had to go, and I didn't want to go with the people she was hanging out with anyways. They were losers, well at least one of them. It makes me sad that she hangs out with people that are so....bad. I'd say 85% of the people she hangs out with are a bad influence on her, but sometimes you need to be a good influence to the bad ones. That's how she sees me. That was her answer to why she hangs out with me, because I'm "genuine" and apparently a good influence on her. I'm glad as a women she does something that benefits her and not others. I almost feel as if she hangs out with me because I'm not like the other guys that she hangs out with. I don't always try to make a move on her, I don't try to make her do stuff she doesn't want to. Honestly I am her friend, and our relationship starts and ends there. We talk a lot about the future, I worry about her, but she says she'll be fine. I trust her, because no matter what, she seems finds happiness, and not every pent up teenager can say that. I don't know if I can even say I'm truly happy (I think I am) People ask if she really is happy? or if she is hiding it under everything. But for some reason I see that she is, deep down in her. Which makes me worry but also happy for her. I'm worried of what she believes is happiness, but what am I to judge what makes someone happy. It's just that I've known her so much of my life, and shes important to me. In another life, she would hang out with good people all the time, but the reality is, sometimes good people don't always get good things. I don't know anymore, because she is happy, and I can't take that away from her, I've tried to forget about her, ignore her. There is a gap in my life where I pushed her away in my life, and that was because of how hard it was coming with terms with who she was. How it happened. Why it happened. But we both have grown so much as people, we accept and move on.
So she leaves and I'm with one of my friends. We talk, eat the food left. Go to the park, lie down on the grass, take in the sun. A bit later my friend's girlfriend and her friend stop on by, they sit down beside us. And we just start talking and talking, we were laughing and that was probably the first time I've took the time to sit down and talk to my friend's girlfriend like that. It opened a lot of doors, not all of them nice. You see I've only known this girl through my friend, but I knew enough. I knew she battles depression, and I know the things shes experienced, I don't want to get into detail to be honest.
Later that night, we are talking over facebook and we start off with small talk but eventually we start talking about how she really felt about everything. I was surprised how open she was to me, I wasn't sure if because her boyfriend was my friend, or she just needed to tell someone. Either way I was there for her. We talked for maybe an hour over chat. About her depression and what causes it and what she felt about just...everything. As we got into more deep matters I realized my how much my words effected her, I saw that she was really really looking to me for advice. For support. For help. I tried my best, I try to hold together the unstable building with my roll of duct tape, through the binding of my words as they seem to hit spots in her soul and mind that calmed her. Relieved her of her problems that were still there. I didn't always tell her what was true, because as I learned over the years - sometimes people aren't ready for the truth and sometimes it is okay to lie. When the conversation ended, apparently I had left her at a better place then where she started. Helping her made me feel very...happy just doesn't hold the power of the feeling I felt. I could hear the tears through the text. Which leads me to my last point which is? Love.
When we think of love, most people think of romantic love. But I feel like love exists between all people. Family love, friendship love, sure relationship love, but I think most importantly? Self love. Girls like the one I was talking about earlier isn't uncommon. Many many girls are insecure, hide their feelings from everyone. I feel so stupid for not being able to explain this, but I'll try, it is sad to see girls or anyone think they are not sexy, unique, funny etc etc. I can't fully express how I feel but I know that this is wrong. I just can't imagine how she feels, and it is so hard to connect with her because of that, but I try my best to weave my words of ignorance into her bleeding soul, but there is only so much I can do. Only so much her therapist can do, Only so much the drugs can do. Only so much the doctors can do. Only so much her friends can do. I can't do this anymore, I have so many feelings I want to write out on this page but its 4:38am I spend about an hour on this in the middle of the night, that is why this post is so late by the way, because I couldn't sleep without worrying about people in my life. But i'd rather be educated and pained, instead of ignorant and living in bliss.
I need to go back to sleep, if I can. Oh and if anyone reads this blog post, I know it's long. Thank you, I need someone to know. I'm not as strong as people make me out to be, maybe I can punch hard or kick even harder but deep down this is how I think, and I wish more people knew that about me.
-Jason Mai
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